The Proud Musician

No one wants to be remembered as being the proud musician. But what many don't realise is that pride is quite a natural feeling that can present itself in many different forms. It's most common forms is arrogance and insecurity. Both of which can greatly impact your life as a musician or music student.

Pride in and of itself is an intriguing and complex topic. Understanding it on a superficial and intellectual level is easy. But, exploring it on a personal level takes a great deal of vulnerability and courage. Pride or being proud is frequently seen as a character flaw that we can avoid if we work hard. It is commonly followed by catchy and immensely popular self-help slogans of 'don't be arrogant' and 'everybody is equal'. But pride is not a state of being that can be either achieved or avoided. Broken down into its most simplistic form, pride is an emotion. Consequently, it is experienced by everyone.

Pride Is A Feeling

Having moments of being the Proud Musician is not a problem. The problem is when 'the proud musician' becomes your identity. Emotions are strange and complex things that are deeply intertwined with our thoughts and beliefs. They are something we can influence but attempting to control them often leads to depression and anxiety. Denying or suppressing our pride is problematic and can greatly impact our work as musicians and artists. It is said, that the person who is oblivious to their pride and thinks it is not a problem is indeed the proudest of all.

Defining Pride

Like many things, there are two sides to pride. But instead of thinking of them as diametrically opposite think of them as being on a continuum which gradually fades into each other. Humans love things that are black and white, that can be neatly categorised and precisely defined. But realistically we spend the majority of our time not in these outer extremes but in the varying shades of grey.

At one end of the spectrum, pride is a "foolish and irrational corrupt sense of one's personal value, status, accomplishments and ability. We all know people who struggle with this. Usually, we try to avoid them. They are arrogant, unfortunately unteachable, very disagreeable and not particularly pleasant to be around.

At the other end of the spectrum is "a humble and content sense of attachment towards one's own or another's choices and actions or toward a whole group of people. It is  also a production of praise, independent self-reflection and a fulfilled feeling of belonging."

I think that as with all the emotions everyone has visited these outer extremes but we spend the majority of our time living in the greys.

Pride That Harms Musicians

There are two manifestations of pride that are particularly harmful to musicians. Their impact steams right through from the youngest beginner to the oldest and most advanced professionals. All are susceptible to them simply because all are human.

The Arrogant Musician

The stereotype of the proud musician is one who is arrogant. Arrogance does not reserve itself for the accomplished elite. In fact, I regularly encounter it among my beginner students. It is found in the declarations of 'that's easy', 'I already know that', and 'I prefer doing it like this'. Many times these remarks only come up amongst beginners when they are in a group lesson. No two individuals will learn at the same pace and this is one of the challenges in managing the dynamics of a group lesson. It is perfectly normal and expected that one student will progress at a faster pace to the other. This in and of itself is not a problem. The problems only start arising when the more advanced student realises that by comparing themselves to there lesson partner they gain a superficial sense of superiority. It is only human nature to attempt to validate these feelings by gaining the acknowledgment of either their teacher, lesson partner or both.

Older more advanced students usually receive one on one lessons. Unfortunately, if they haven't worked on this aspect of themselves they then try to compete against their teacher. These students end up slowing down their own progress. Instead of absorbing information like a dry sponge they reflect it. Many times in lessons they try to demonstrate that they don't need to practice a particular technique. What they don't realise is that their heroic demonstration merely highlights to the teacher all the work that they have yet to do. And the teacher is left in the awkward position of trying to address the techniques problems from a different angle. While this in and of itself isn't a problem it just creates more work for both teacher and student.

It is somewhat clichéd that professional musicians have a certain arrogance to them. Some falsely believe this is necessary for their line of work and consequently adopt a 'diva' or 'rock star' mentality. As a musician, I agree that it is one of the darker temptations of our line of work. We live comparatively high profile lives. Interact with hundreds sometimes thousands and even millions of other people.  Some of us enjoy or tolerate the fame that comes with being a musician. It can honestly be challenging not to give in to our feelings of pride that tend to result in subsequent arrogant behaviour. Perhaps one of the antidotes is to focus on your music as opposed to yourself as a person.

In contrast, some of the best musicians I have worked with are also the most humble. They recognise their ability but they also understand that everyone offers a unique and valuable perspective. These musicians became so 'good' possible because they believe in lifelong learning and the idea that everybody has something to offer regardless of age and experience.

Insecurity

Perhaps the total opposite to arrogance is insecurity however they both have their roots in pride. Insecurity is something that I personally struggle with a lot and its taken me a crazy long time to see its connection to pride. But just as the arrogant musician is in part shaped by their environment so too is the insecure one. Understanding why someone is the way they are, should not be used as a justification or excuse for them remaining that way. Instead, it can be used as a starting point for growth and personal development.

I have lived through bullying both in the workplace and at school. I had parents who for numerous reasons beyond their control, found themselves to be too busy to parent. I have been betrayed by friends and loved ones and could quite easily share a story that would win your sympathy and understanding. I know, that people who go through 'stuff' often end up struggling with crippling insecurity and I understand that it is not their fault. As Psalm 18:21 states 'the tongue has the power of life and death'. Words which can build someone up can also completely tear someone down.

Pride, which is the "foolish and irrational corrupt sense of one's personal value, status, accomplishments and ability" can go in both directions. Musicians can experience an overinflated sense of their abilities and worth. But, can also experience a gross devaluation of their abilities and worth. However, at the core of both extremes is a corrupt sense of self.

No one is more or less than human even though our experiences and emotions would like us to believe otherwise. If we stripe our understanding of pride back to being a total focus on self and the expectation of others to do the same, we can begin to draw an interesting parallel between arrogance and insecurity.

I am the best
I am the worse

I can do that
 I can't do that

I don't need other people

The criticism doesn't apply to me they don't know what they're saying
The compliments don't apply to me they don't know what they're saying

I can get away with

I don't need to talk to people
I'm not good enough to talk to people, I don't know what to say or how to say it

People should listen to me
I do not deserve to have people listen to me

I don't need help
I don't deserve help 

I deserve better
I don't deserve this 

I know I can do this so advice/help is irrelevant
I know I can't do this so I won't try and advice/help is irrelevant

I have a plan and I must follow it
I've tried following plans and they don't work so there is no point

I don't trust anyone because I know better
I don't trust anyone, I have been hurt and let down too many times

I have to be in control because I know best
I have to be in control because people are cruel and don't have my best interests in mind

I know everything I need to know
I don't know enough

I don't have a problem, its other people
I don't have a problem its other people

I have a problem that you have to fix
I have a problem, you are not allowed to help me fix it, I must do it my self

I don't need friends
I don't deserve friends

They're not really my friends

I just have to know/understand

I need to decide what happens when

I am alone

It's not my fault

Everything is my fault

Do Not Panic! It's Part of Being Human

Even as I'm typing this list I feel like I am gazing into an uncomfortably truthful mirror. This is the struggle with pride that every human being faces. Perhaps the most pertinent question for anyone struggling with insecurity and the never-ending barrage of questions like 'what will they think?' is 'What makes you believe they are thinking about you?'

The first time I read this question I legitimately felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. My circumstances had led me to believe that other people were always going to be: a) focusing on me and b) thinking about me in a negative manner.

The unfortunate but comforting truth is that everyone is, in fact, focusing primarily on themselves. Unless someone is a sociopath or psychopath (which only account for 0.75 to 1% of the population) people's cruel gestures aren't so much as intentionally malicious as they are self-serving. Many times people discriminate and tear down in order to make themselves look and feel better. We have unfortunately learnt that it is easier to make ourselves belong by excluding others. You can gauge roughly how much other people are thinking about you by examining how much you are thinking about other people. When you walk down a busy city street are you looking at everyone to see what they are wearing or what phone they are using? Or, are you primarily focused on yourself, your to-do list, the meeting you're late for, the problem you need to solve? Yes, sometimes we do focus on others -and the degree to which we do varies depending on our personality and frame of mind- but well over 50% of the time, we are lost in our own little worlds of thought.

The Insecure Musician

The insecure music student presents a different set of challenges to their teacher than their arrogant counterparts. The learning process comes up against doubt and a complete lack of trust, perseverance and determination. With students who completely doubt their abilities, you have to be gentle and find subtle ways of proving to them that they can, in fact, learn and progress on their instruments. Insecurity can be just as crippling to the learning process as arrogance. An insecure student is too shy to ask questions, to admit or show when they don't understand. They need to have everything perfected and polished before they present it to their teacher for feedback. What they don't realise is that by distancing themselves from their teacher they miss out on the richness of learning that comes only through the process of working through something with someone else.

Teaching The Proud Musician

Teaching, the proud musician can be a challenge but as a teacher, I love the idea of teaching more than music. Many times this means imparting to both the arrogant and insecure student the safety and freedom of humility. Its okay not to know, not to be the best or worst at something. But ultimately at the end of the day, it is up to the students as to how much they glean from their lessons. For after all you can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink.

The arrogant musician causes just as much harm to other as the insecure one. It's like comparing someone who deals with their anger through violence and someone who becomes passive-aggressive. Both are unhealthy and harmful.

Musical ability is a gift that is designed to keep on giving. It is our responsibility to share it with others and doing so benefits all parties who are involved.

Conclusion

Working through your pride can be a challenge. It takes a lot of hard work to change behavioural patterns and the beliefs that shape them. Some people manage just with the support of friends and families. But the benefits that an outsider can bring to your journal beyond count. A teacher, mentor, counsellor, pastor or psychology can all offer much-needed strategies, encouragement and advice.

Many musicians will flow through the various states of pride throughout their lives. Few live solely in the extremes of arrogance and insecurity or in the perfect middle that is humility. Just like all humans, we live in the grey spaces between diametric opposites, in the blurred and liminal spaces that exist in-between concretely defined categories.

Pride is inevitably something that every musician struggles with. The refusal to acknowledge your pride is in fact evidence of its presence. It is an emotion and a part of being human. Shame fuels it and helps it grow into an inescapable prison. Humility is freedom.